Living in such a state taTestaTesTaTe etats a hcus ni gniviL of mind in which time sTATEsTAtEsTaTeStA emit hcihw ni dnim of does not pass, space STateSTaTeSTaTeStAtE ecaps ,ssap ton seod does not exist, and sTATeSt oFOfOfo dna ,tsixe ton seod idea is not there. STatEst ofoFOFo .ereht ton si aedi Stuck in a place staTEsT OfOFofo ecalp a ni kcutS where movements TATeSTa foFofoF stnemevom erehw are impossible fOFoFOf elbissopmi era in all forms, UfOFofO ,smrof lla ni physical and nbEifof dna lacisyhp or mental - uNBeInO - latnem ro your mind is UNbeinG si dnim rouy focusing on a unBEING a no gnisucof lone thing, or NBeINgu ro ,gniht enol a lone nothing. bEinGUn .gnihton enol a You are numb and EiNguNB dna bmun era ouY unaware to events stneve ot erawanu taking place - not iSSUE ton - ecalp gnikat knowing how or what 1/31/99 tahw ro who gniwonk to think. You are in FiFTY-TWO ni era uoY .kniht ot a state of unbeing.... ....gniebnu fo etats a --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- CONTENTS OF THiS iSSUE =----------------------= EDiTORiAL Kilgore Trout LETTERS TO THE EDiTOR STAFF LiSTiNGS [=- ARTiCLES -=] THE WAY THE NEWS SHOULD BE REPORTED -- 16OCT98 The Super Realist PREMATURE ELECTiONATiON Clockwork FURTHER iCONS FROM THE WATER TABLES, MODULE ONE OF TWO Clockwork THE WAY THE NEWS SHOULD BE REPORTED -- 24DEC98 The Super Realist 18 JANUARY 1999: REFLECTiONS ON BLACK LiBERATiON Crux Ansata THE REiGN OF NiCOTiANA TABACUM Bixenta Moonchild FREAKS ON FiLM Kilgore Trout [=- POETASTRiE -=] MEDiTATiON AT OCCiDENTAL PARK The Super Realist [=- FiCTiON -=] COMMENCEMENT SPEECH AT TRUMPET COLLEGE TO THE DECEMBER GRADUATiNG CLASS OF 1998 I Wish My Name Were Nathan THE REiNS OF FATE Dan Safarik THE LONG SLEEP I Wish My Name Were Nathan --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- EDiTORiAL by Kilgore Trout Welcome to 1999. Let us be your guide through the second-to-last year of the millennium for all things wild, weird, and just plain ole deranged. I mean, yeah, the real rollover doesn't occur for another year, but hey, 1999 just sounds a lot cooler to everybody than December 31st, 2000. It's kinda like when your car hits 50,000 miles. Hitting 51,000 just isn't that big of a deal. But what to do, what to do? You're sitting there, in your post-Superbowl daze, going, "They actually put out an issue this month." Yeah, well, it was Christmas. There's a lot of giving that goes on during that time of the year, so we thought someone would magically take up the slack for us. The Spirit of Christmas, my ass. Deader than an old man cranking his propeller on his creaky airplane and forgetting to stand back. But hey, you people still believed in us. You went to the website. You requested t-shirts. And boy howdy, did you submit. [insert personal bad dictatorial joke here, then continue reading.] New writers, old writers, it's all good. I highly recommend it for those hot winter nights we seem to be having down in Texas. Go sit outside and be literate. It's the great call. Hell, even Son of Bush himself can't speak out against literacy. In fact, he's for it. I mean, really -- is there anyone you know that is against people being able to read? We're not talking content here, mind you; it's the ability I'm interested in. So, the next time you're thinking about beating your wife or your girlfriend up (and we know you're out there), just calm yourself down and go read a book. It'll soothe the great beast, unless he can't read, and then he'll get even more uptight. So I guess what I'm saying is that if you're against domestic violence (and you should be) then you should be teaching someone to read. Because, after all, as the Great Lord Above (tm) once said, "I owe my whole existence to oral tradition." Damn, okay, so that's not that great of an example. You get the gist. Show everybody you can read, and read this issue outloud. Print it out, take it to the bus stop, and fill the air with your voice. Hey, it's what keeps God alive, and you don't want to piss him off. I think he's wearing that tank top again. --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- LETTERS TO THE EDiTOR From: beatnikluv To: kilgore@eden.com Subject: Distribution List Hey... Please add me to your distribution list. I like what I've seen on your page... The Super Realist turned me onto your zine.. and I really like it.. Keep it up!!! B.LuV This space for rent. [well, thank you. althought we are a bit concerned about this last line in your letter, 'This space for rent.' we are curious as to which of the three spaces you in the sentence you are trying to lease, what your going rate is, and exactly what type of products you think you could possibly conceive of creating advertisements for that would fit in that space in a text-mode display. these are things that your greedy, capitalistic mind might not have thought of before you jumped on the warblin' warpath to make money on the internet. it's okay. don't feel bad. we're here to help. everybody makes mistakes. and we still love you.] --SoB-- From: The Super Realist To: 'kilgore@eden.com' Subject: Do you WANT a Subject? Ok, so, Jack Kerouac spent 63 days atop Desolation Peak in the Skagit Mountains, cutting himself off from San Francisco neon drizzle to explore his own existentialism and sense of desolation. I hope you guys come up with a good enough reason for the 2 month electronic hibernation. Eh? Eh? Eh? By the way, I still like the half-assed web page. [well, we could say that we were doing something very beatlike and secluding ourselves in nature and discovering The Real Us (tm). and, while some of that went on during the month of december, it was primarily a time of strangeness. you see, super, there came to our attention the existence of a giant red-bellied man who supposedly delivered gifts to small boys and girls. we decided that he needed an SoB t-shirt. so we trounced about, even staying up late on christmas eve, and then we discovered that santa claus didn't exist. we had, naturally, just assumed it was another scientific establishment conspiracy, kinda like that study which purported to prove the existance of cars that could run on potatoes. so, we were just all really bummed out that everyone, for once, was actually telling us the truth when they said that santa claus didn't exist. it's hard living this close to the millennium, man.] --SoB-- From: Neon Clear To: kilgore@eden.com Subject: Hello sir I was wondering if I could be put on the SoB mailing list. I have really enjoyed your ezine and just wanted to say, "keep it up!" If I can find the time I also plan on writing a submission or two. I love and admire all the work that you and the other writers of SoB have done. NeonClear [consider yourself the proud receiver of a new issue of the zine every month (approximately) in your mailbox until the end of the world (various dates are disputed upon by scholars and psychoceramics; cf. art bell on any given night for more information). don't you feel lucky?] --SoB-- From: Jherek Carnelian To: Kilgore Trout Subject: Re: State of unBeing #51 -- baby, baby, baby, do you need some teeth? I'm still enjoying the SoBs, my friend. How many subscribers are there today? I am, -JC. (to be confused with Jesus Christ) [we have a few hundred subscribers. i'm not sure exactly how many, but needless to say we are on target for our continued goal of whirled domination. pick up a baton and do your part for the new world order: dance! make sure you get a decent choreographer, though.] --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- STAFF LiSTiNGS EDiTOR Kilgore Trout CONTRiBUTORS Bixenta Moonchild Clockwork Crux Ansata Dan Safarik I Wish My Name Were Nathan The Super Realist GUESSED STARS beatnikluv Jherek Carnelian Neon Clear SoB OFFiCiAL GROUPiES crackmonkey Oxyde de Carbone --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- [=- ARTiCLES -=] --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- THE WAY THE NEWS SHOULD BE REPORTED -- 16OCT98 by The Super Realist He kept notes on their sexual performance, which has sparked a political storm in Chile City's "Canyon of Heroes" Friday. Mr. Martin Mr. Bradley will be given a key to the city for wanting to extradite the former dictator and try him on charges of genocide, where each of the victorious players and lawyers for Augusto Pinochet launched a legal bid Thursday. "There are probably more we don't know about," police said. Police said Thursday they were expected to watch the parade and 3 million people. He said evidence suggested the city objected Thursday when a federal appeals court sought to see if they had contracted the AIDS virus. Pinochet was arrested at the request of a Spanish judge to the demonstration because of its subject matter (U.S. District Judge John Martin) and decided Repression and the Criminalization of a Generation which has sparked a political storm in Chile from their homes was found during a search of the man's apartment to take place Thursday afternoon. "Torture and terrorism," police said Thursday. City officials said millions of people (but not U.S. District Judge John Martin) wanted to see air strikes against Yugoslavia and a Western diplomat. From custody and for leave to seek a judicial review of his detention, New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani refused to block an order forcing the city to allow the march of 3 million people (this time including U.S. District Judge John Martin). Three million people and large numbers of troops and police at the hearing of the challenge to the warrant was found during a search of the man's apartment. In floods that struck nearly a quarter of the state and given both Britain and Spain a diplomatic headache, the Yankees swept the Padres in the Kosovo air strikes. Of the team and coaches atop rivers which were still rising and thousands of people were forced to do the lambada when NATO began warning Belgrade to speed up troop withdrawals following record-breaking rains. Panicky women who had sex with the man were lining up for tests and shooting police last Friday while he was recovering. Rescue teams pulled the bodies of four family members, hours after former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher urged his immediate release. It was Thursday when a federal appeals court appealed to rivers which were still rising and thousands of people, including a two-month-old girl (and Chuck Knoblock). Police said, "Thursday," and given both Britain and Spain a diplomatic headache. No one knew where each of the victorious players, including a two-month-old girl, had air striked. "There are probably more we don't know about," police said, and gave both Britain and Spain a diplomatic headache. The floodwaters receded across most of the region Thursday, and 3 million people as they planned an air strikes against Yugoslavia and a Western diplomat. "We definitely still see a large (Serbian military) police presence and a Yugoslav (federal) army one," said the panicky women who had sex with the man as they were lining up for tests from Broadway to City Hall. He expected it to be larger than the parade in 1996. Probably an Iranian who had lived under a false identity for years, Pinochet was arrested at the request of a Spanish judge to stand trial for the floodwaters receded across most of the region Thursday, to take place Thursday afternoon, from a creek Thursday. The creek was found during a search of the man's apartment and said he expected it to be larger than the parade in 1996. As well as including a two-month-old-girl. --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- "It's survival of the fittest, Max! And we've got the fuckin' guns!" --_Pi_ --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- PREMATURE ELECTiONATiON by Clockwork Do you remember the elections that occurred a simple three months ago? Or did you perhaps overlook the event even while it was occurring? Did you vote? Myself, in my ashamed cape and whiskers did not, and I am and was not pleased with myself afterwards. I should have cast my single opinion into the pile, no matter where it may have ended up. The hope and belief that my single word would swing and topple political dogma systems must stay with me. However. On November 2, the night before the elections took place, ABC News catapulted me back into the netherland of anti-trust and disbelief in our beloved political system, threw the rules and regulations of the tiemonkey board game into my hands, opened to page 12, and pointed. Upon their website, they posted the results of the elections, announcing the newly elected senators and governors, and propositions that have passed, a full 24 hours before people had cast their votes. You may have heard this in passing media clips, reported by Drudge, in the corner of the sixth page of Variablecityname Herald-Tribune, a four second mention on MSNBC at 3am. ABC issued a statement on the incident: "Earlier tonight, during testing of the ABCNEWS.COM site, we inadvertently posted results and erroneous predictions on the outcomes of races. There was no bias intended by what we posted and the predictions do not reflect the reporting or news judgement of ABC NEWS. We sincerely apologize to all our readers for any confusion. We are taking steps to ensure similar mistakes do not happen in the future." A disclaimer apology, of course, with no explanation for the events. A short time after, it was reported that they were testing the pre-election test feed from Election News Service, an automated, computer-controlled vote counting service which reports to numerous news organizations during elections. This was supposedly a test of their website to verify the automatic updates work properly. Although, ABC made no official statement of the fact. And as one would predict, the actual election came, and the actual election went. Very little attention was paid to the inadvertent "prediction" of results, other than dancing mishap postings about the internet, breeding ground for such ideas. Well, being the political mind-game fiend I am, I decided to do a close reading of the results, comparing ABC's pre-election postings to the final post-election facts. Below, you will find the exact comparison -- first an extensive list of aging senators, then a dribbling list of younger aging governors. For some reason, ABC did not post any House results. Concerning the Senate. There were a total of 34 elections held. ABC predicted 29 out of these 34 correctly -- 85% accuracy. The accuracy of the ABC predictions, based on the percentage results of the winners, averages 4%. Meaning, the percentages predicted by ABC, on average, are within 4% of the actual results, plus or minus. This does not include results from Kentucky and Nevada, which according to CNN results were too close to call -- they had not updated results following the actually hand-counting of the ballots. This seems like amazing accuracy from these supposedly erroneous and randomly produced pre-feeds. The predictions striking me the are obviously the elections that were extremely close -- states that are not utterly dominated by a particular party, in which the ending results are within a few percentages of each other. Looking at the list below, you will find ABC predicting these types of elections (Arkansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Washington). Look for yourself. Note, to my dismay, that CNN completely disregards any 3rd party candidates, unless they attained a significant portion of the vote. Asterisks designate the winners states by each party. Those without asterisks, as reported by CNN, were those that were too close to call. Pre-Results Posted by ABC News Actual Results Posted by CNN SENATE - Alabama * Shelby (REP) 66% * Shelby (REP) 63% Suddith (DEM) 34% Suddith (DEM) 37% - Alaska * Sonneman (DEM) 50% Sonneman (DEM) 20% Murkowski (REP) 48% * Murkowski (REP) 76% Gottlieb (GRN) 1% Gottlieb (GRN) N/A Kohlhaas (LTN) 1% Kohlhaas (LTN) N/A - Arizona * McCain (REP) 64% * McCain (REP) 69% Ranger (DEM) 34% Ranger (DEM) 28% Zajac (LTN) 1% Zajac (LTN) N/A Park (RFM) 1% Park (RFM) N/A - Arkansas * Lincoln (DEM) 52% * Lincoln (DEM) 56% Boozman (REP) 46% Boozman (REP) 43% Heffley (RFM) 2% Heffley (RFM) N/A - California * Boxer (DEM) 50% * Boxer (DEM) 54% Fong (REP) 45% Fong (REP) 43% Beltran (PFP) 1% Beltran (PFP) N/A Perrin (AIP) 1% Perrin (AIP) N/A Brown (LTN) 1% Brown (LTN) N/A Erich (RFM) 1% Erich (RFM) N/A Rees (NTL) 1% Rees (NTL) N/A - Colorado * Campbell (REP) 52% * Campbell (REP) 63% Lamm (DEM) 43% Lamm (DEM) 36% Segal (LTN) 1% Segal (LTN) N/A Swanson (CST) 1% Swanson (CST) N/A Swing (IND) 1% Swing (IND) N/A Heckman, John (IND) 1% Heckman, John (IND) N/A Peckman, Jeff (NTL) 1% Peckman, Jeff (NTL) N/A - Connecticut * Dodd (DEM) 58% * Dodd (DEM) 66% Franks (REP) 39% Franks (REP) 33% Moore (LTN) 1% Moore (LTN) N/A Kozak (CNC) 1% Kozak (CNC) N/A Grasso (IND) 1% Grasso (IND) N/A - Florida * Graham (DEM) 62% * Graham (DEM) 63% Crist (REP) 38% Crist (REP) 37% - Georgia * Coles (DEM) 52% Coles (DEM) 46% Coverdell (REP) 46% * Coverdell (REP) 53% Loftman (LTN) 2% Loftman (LTN) N/A - Hawaii * Inouye (DEM) 65% * Inouye (DEM) 80% Young (REP) 34% Young (REP) 18% Mallan (LTN) 1% Mallan (LTN) N/A - Idaho * Crapo (REP) 67% * Crapo (REP) 70% Mauk (DEM) 32% Mauk (DEM) 29% Mansfeld (NTL) 1% Mansfeld (NTL) N/A - Illinois * Fitzgerald (REP) 57% * Fitzgerald (REP) 51% Moseley-Braun (DEM) 42% Moseley-Braun (DEM) 47% Torgersen (RFM) 1% Torgensen (RFM) N/A - Indiana * Bayh (DEM) 59% * Bayh (DEM) 64% Helmke (REP) 40% Helmke (REP) 35% Burris (LTN) 1% Burris (LTN) N/A - Iowa * Grassley (REP) 69% * Grassley (REP) 68% Osterberg (DEM) 29% Osterberg (DEM) 32% Marcus (NTL) 1% Marcus (NTL) N/A Trowe (SW) 1% Trowe (SW) N/A - Kansas * Brownback (REP) 66% * Brownback (REP) 66% Feleciano (DEM) 32% Feleciano (DEM) 32% Bauman (RFM) 1% Bauman (RFM) N/A Oyler (LTN) 1% Oyler (LTN) N/A - Kentucky * Baesler (DEM) 51% Baesler (DEM) 50% Bunning (REP) 48% Bunning (REP) 50% Arbegust (RDM) 1% Arbegust (RDM) N/A - Louisiana * Breaux (DEM) 61% * Breaux (DEM) 64% Donelon (REP) 33% Donelon (REP) 32% Knox (IND) 1% Knox (IND) N/A Diket (IND) 1% Diket (IND) N/A Melton (DEM) 1% Melton (DEM) N/A Ward (DEM) 1% Ward (DEM) N/A Brown (IND) 1% Brown (IND) N/A Rosenthal (IND) 1% Rosenthal (IND) N/A - Maryland * Mikulski (DEM) 64% * Mikulski (DEM) 71% Pierpont (REP) 36% Pierpont (REP) 29% - Missouri * Bond (REP) 56% * Bond (REP) 53% Nixon (DEM) 41% Nixon (DEM) 44% Millay (LTN) 1% Millay (LTN) N/A Frazier (TAX) 1% Frazier (TAX) N/A Newport (RFM) 1% Newport (RFM) N/A - Nevada * Ensign (REP) 49% Ensign (REP) 48% Reid (DEM) 42% Reid (DEM) 48% None These (NON) 7% None These (NON) N/A Cloud (LTN) 1% Cloud (LTN) N/A Williams (NTL) 1% Williams (NTL) N/A - New Hampshire * Gregg (REP) 69% * Gregg (REP) 68% Condodemetraky (DEM) 29% Condodemetraky (DEM) 29% Kendel (INA) 1% Kendel (INA) N/A Christeson (LTN) 1% Christeson (LTN) N/A - New York * D'Amato (REP) 50% D'Amato (REP) 45% Schumer (DEM) 42% * Schumer (DEM) 55% McMillen (LTN) 3% McMillen (LTN) N/A Kovel (GRN) 1% Kovel (GRN) N/A Berbeo (SOC) 1% Berbeo (SOC) N/A Kurtz (IND) 1% Kurtz (IND) N/A - North Carolina * Faircloth (REP) 51% * Faircloth (REP) 52% Edwards (DEM) 48% Edwards (DEM) 47% Howe (LTN) 1% Howe (LTN) N/A - North Dakota * Dorgan (DEM) 59% * Dorgan (DEM) 64% Nalewaja (REP) 40% Nalewaja (REP) 36% Mclain (RFM) 1% Mclain (RFM) N/A - Ohio * Voinovich (REP) 63% * Voinovich (REP) 56% Boyle (DEM) 37% Boyle (DEM) 44% - Oklahoma * Nickles (REP) 68% * Nickles (REP) 67% Carroll (DEM) 30% Carroll (DEM) 32% Yandell (IND) 1% Yandell (IND) N/A Morris (IND) 1% Morris (IND) N/A - Oregon * Wyden (DEM) 67% * Wyden (DEM) 59% Lim (REP) 29% Lim (REP) 36% Campbell (NTL) 1% Campbell (NTL) N/A Brewster (LTN) 1% Brewster (LTN) N/A Braa (SOC) 1% Braa (SOC) N/A Moskowitz (IND) 1% Moskowitz (IND) N/A - Pennsylvania * Specter (REP) 58% * Specter (REP) 62% Lloyd (DEM) 40% Lloyd (DEM) 35% Iannantuono (LTN) 1% Iannantuono (LTN) 1% Snyder (CST) 1% Snyder (CST) 1% - South Carolina * Hollings (DEM) 51% * Hollings (DEM) 53% Inglis (REP) 48% Inglis (REP) 46% Quillian (LTN) 1% Quillian (LTN) N/A - South Dakota * Daschle (DEM) 59% * Daschle (DEM) 63% Schmidt (REP) 40% Schmidt (REP) 37% Dale (LTN) 1% Dale (LTN) N/A - Utah * Bennett (REP) 68% * Bennett (REP) 64% Leckman (DEM) 31% Leckman (DEM) 33% Van Horn (INA) 1% Van Horn (INA) N/A - Vermont * Leahy (DEM) 64% * Leahy (DEM) 73% Tuttle (REP) 32% Tuttle (REP) 23% Nelson (IND) 1% Nelson (IND) N/A Levy (LBU) 1% Levy (LBU) N/A Melamede (IND) 1% Melamede (IND) N/A Douglas (LTN) 1% Douglas (LTN) N/A - Washington * Murray (DEM) 52% * Murray (DEM) 58% Smith (REP) 48% Smith (REP) 42% - Wisconsin * Feingold (DEM) 47% * Feingold (DEM) 51% Neumann (REP) 46% Neumann (REP) 49% Ender (LTN) 5% Ender (LTN) N/A Raymond (TAX) 1% Raymond (TAX) N/A Hem (IND) 1% Hem (IND) N/A And now come the governors. A total of 36 elections were held. ABC predicted the correct winner in 31 of the 36 elections -- 86% accuracy. The accuracy of the percentage of votes collected by the winners, as reported by ABC, is once again 4%. Meaning, the percentages predicted by ABC, on average, are within 4% of the actual results, plus or minus. And again, this accuracy rate is uncanny. Note the close elections again -- Georgia, Hawaii, Maryland, Nevada, Rhode Island. Minnesota. Minnesota, where, even though ABC did not predict Ventura would win, they did in fact believe the ex-pro-wrestler 3rd party candidate would suck in a good percentage of the vote, providing troubling times for the standard parties. In Georgia, ABC predicted the 3rd party candidate would bring in a miniscule 2% of the vote -- with the actual results stating he brought in 3%. The correct prediction of the independent candidate of Maine being victorious. Or the independent candidate of Pennsylvania bringing in a small but noteworthy amount of the vote, and the same occurring with Rhode Island. These small percentages won by 3rd party candidates -- 3rd parties which are rarely noticed by the media, by other candidates, by the voters -- suddenly given spotlights by ABC News. GOVERNOR - Alabama * Siegelman (DEM) 58% * Siegelman (DEM) 58% James (REP) 42% James (REP) 42% - Alaska * Knowles (DEM) 63% * Knowles (DEM) 65% Lindauer (REP) 34% Lindauer (REP) 22% Metcalfe (IND) 1% Metcalfe (IND) N/A Sullivan (AKI) 1% Sullivan (AKI) N/A Jacobsson (GRN) 1% Jacobsson (GRN) N/A - Arizona * Hull (REP) 60% * Hull (REP) 61% Johnson (DEM) 38% Johnson (DEM) 36% Malcomson (RFM) 1% Malcomson (RFM) N/A Gallant (LTN) 1% Gallant (LTN) N/A - Arkansas * Huckabee (REP) 62% * Huckabee (REP) 60% Bristow (DEM) 37% Bristow (DEM) 39% Carle (RFM) 1% Carle (RFM) N/A - California * Davis (DEM) 49% * Davis (DEM) 59% Lungren (REP) 46% Lungren (REP) 39% Bloomfield (NTL) 1% Bloomfield (NTL) N/A Kubby (LTN) 1% Kubby (LTN) N/A Johnson (AIP) 1% Johnson (AIP) N/A Hamburg (GRN) 1% Hamburg (GRN) N/A La Riva (PFP) 1% La Riva (PFP) N/A - Colorado * Owens (REP) 49% * Owens (REP) 50% Schoettler (DEM) 49% Schoettler (DEM) 49% Johnson (LTN) 1% Johnson (LTN) N/A Leonard (CST) 1% Leonard (CST) N/A - Connecticut * Rowland (REP) 71% * Rowland (REP) 63% Kennelly (DEM) 26% Kennelly (DEM) 36% Vare (LTN) 1% Vare (LTN) N/A Scaglione (IND) 1% Scaglione (IND) N/A Zdonczyk (CNC) 1% Zdonczyk (CNC) N/A - Florida * Bush (REP) 55% * Bush (REP) 55% MacKay (DEM) 45% MacKay (DEM) 45% - Georgia * Barnes (DEM) 53% * Barnes (DEM) 53% Millner (REP) 45% Millner (REP) 44% Cashin (LTN) 2% Cashin (LTN) 3% - Hawaii * Lingle (REP) 53% Lingle (REP) 49% Cayetano (DEM) 46% * Cayetano (DEM) 51% Peabody (LTN) 1% Peabody (LTN) N/A - Idaho * Kempthorne (REP) 74% * Kempthorne (REP) 68% Huntley (DEM) 25% Huntley (DEM) 30% Rickards (IND) 1% Rickards (IND) N/A - Illinois * Ryan (REP) 60% * Ryan (DEP) 52% Poshard (DEM) 39% Poshard (REP) 48% Redmond (RFM) 1% Redmond (RFM) N/A - Iowa * Lightfoot (REP) 55% Lightfoot (REP) 47% Vilsack (DEM) 42% * Vilsack (DEM) 53% Hennager (RFM) 1% Hennager (RFM) N/A Kennis (IND) 1% Kennis (IND) N/A Schaefer (NTL) 1% Schaefer (NTL) N/A - Kansas * Graves (REP) 68% * Graves (REP) 74% Sawyer (DEM) 30% Sawyer (DEM) 23% King (RFM) 1% King (RFM) N/A Poovey (TAX) 1% Poovey (TAX) N/A - Maine * King (IND) 66% * King (IND) 59% Connolly (DEM) 19% Connolly (DEM) 12% Longley (REP) 13% Longley (REP) 20% Lamarche (IND) 1% Lamarche (IND) 7% Clarke (IND) 1% Clarke (IND) N/A - Maryland * Glendening (DEM) 52% * Glendening (DEM) 56% Sauerbrey (REP) 48% Sauerbrey (REP) 44% - Massachusetts * Cellucci (REP) 55% * Cellucci (REP) 51% Harshbarger (DEM) 44% Harshbarger (DEM) 48% Cook (LTN) 1% Cook (LTN) N/A - Michigan * Engler (REP) 65% * Engler (REP) 62% Fieger (DEM) 35% Fieger (DEM) 38% - Minnesota * Coleman (REP) 35% Coleman (REP) 35% Humphrey (DEM) 33% Humprhey (DEM) 28% Ventura (RFM) 27% * Ventura (RFM) 37% McCloney (IND) 1% McCloney (IND) N/A Pentel (GRN) 1% Pentel (GRN) N/A Wright (IND) 1% Wright (IND) N/A Germann (LTN) 1% Germann (LTN) N/A Fiske (SW) 1% Fiske (SW) N/A - Nebraska * Johanns (REP) 59% * Johanns (REP) 54% Hoppner (DEM) 41% Hoppner (DEM) 46% - Nevada * Guinn (REP) 48% * Guinn (REP) 52% Jones (DEM) 46% Jones (DEM) 43% None These (NON) 4% None These (NON) N/A Savage (LTN) 1% Savage (LTN) N/A Horne (INA) 1% Horne (INA) N/A - New Hampshire * Shaheen (DEM) 68% * Shaheen (DEM) 66% Lucas (REP) 31% Lucas (REP) 32% Blevens (LTN) 1% Blevens (LTN) N/A - New Mexico * Chavez (DEM) 51% Chavez (DEM) 46% Johnson (REP) 49% * Johnson (REP) 54% - New York * Pataki (REP) 43% * Pataki (REP) 55% Vallone (DEM) 22% Vallone (DEM) 33% Reynolds (RTL) 10% Reynolds (RTL) N/A Lewis (GRN) 9% Lewis (GRN) N/A Golisano (IND) 5% Golisano (IND) 8% Duncan (SOC) 4% Duncan (SOC) N/A McCaughey Ross (LIB) 2% McCaughey Rose (LIB) 2% Leighton (IND) 2% Leighton (IND) N/A Garvey (IND) 2% Garvey (IND) N/A France (IND) 1% France (IND) N/A - Ohio * Taft (REP) 57% * Taft (REP) 51% Fisher (DEM) 41% Fisher (DEM) 45% Mitchel (RFM) 1% Mitchel (RFM) N/A Feitler (IND) 1% Feitler (IND) N/A - Oklahoma * Keating (REP) 65% * Keating (REP) 58% Boyd (DEM) 34% Boyd (DEM) 41% Heidelberg (RFM) 1% Heidelberg (RFM) N/A - Oregon * Kitzhaber (DEM) 66% * Kitzhaber (DEM) 64% Sizemore (REP) 29% Sizemore (REP) 32% Weidner (RFM) 1% Weidner (RFM) N/A Steurer (NTL) 1% Steurer (NTL) N/A Bobier (IND) 1% Bobier (IND) N/A Burke (LTN) 1% Burke (LTN) N/A Smith (SOC) 1% Smith (SOC) N/A - Pennsylvania * Ridge (REP) 60% * Ridge (REP) 58% Itkin (DEM) 36% Itkin (DEM) 31% Luksik (CST) 3% Luksik (CST) 11% Krawchuk (LTN) 1% Krawchuk (LTN) N/A - Rhode Island * Almond (REP) 51% * Almond (REP) 51% York (DEM) 45% York (DEM) 42% Healy (IND) 3% Healy (IND) 7% Devine (RFM) 1% Devine (RFM) N/A - South Carolina * Beasley (REP) 54% Beasley (REP) 46% Hodges (DEM) 43% * Hodges (DEM) 54% Moultrie (LTN) 3% Moultrie (LTN) N/A - South Dakota * Janklow (REP) 58% * Janklow (REP) 65% Hunhoff (DEM) 40% Hunhoff (DEM) 33% Newland (LTN) 1% Newland (LTN) N/A Wieczorek (IND) 1% Wieczorek (IND) N/A - Tennessee * Sundquist (REP) 58% * Sundquist (REP) 69% Hooker (DEM) 37% Hooker (DEM) 30% Smith, T. (IND) 1% Smith, T. (IND) 1% Hamilton (IND) 1% Hamilton (IND) 1% Gibbs (IND) 1% Gibbs (IND) 1% Smithson, K. (IND) 1% Smithson, K. (IND) 1% Creech (IND) 1% Creech (IND) 1% - Texas * Bush (REP) 69% * Bush (REP) 69% Mauro (DEM) 30% Mauro (DEM) 31% Turlington (LTN) 1% Turlington (LTN) 1% - Vermont * Dean (DEM) 63% * Dean (DEM) 56% Dwyer (REP) 34% Dwyer (REP) 42% Gottlieb (LBU) 1% Gottlieb (LBU) N/A Williams (GRN) 1% Williams (GRN) N/A Berkey (LTN) 1% Berkey (LTN) N/A - Wisconsin * Thompson (REP) 58% * Thompson (REP) 60% Garvey (DEM) 38% Garvey (DEM) 39% Mueller (LTN) 1% Mueller (LTN) N/A Mangan (IND) 1% Mangan (IND) N/A Muhammad (IND) 1% Muhammad (IND) N/A Frami (TAX) 1% Frami (TAX) N/A - Wyoming * Geringer (REP) 58% * Geringer (REP) 56% Vinich (DEM) 41% Vinich (DEM) 41% Dawson (LTN) 1% Dawson (LTN) 1% So, does this mean this country's highly prized electoral process is merely a mind-soothing tap dance for the voters? Perhaps the results prediction process is highly in tune with the political beating heart of the land, reading the people with checkmark polls and dinner-interruptions. Even if such methods of determining the opinions of voters were delicately accurate, how could it predict such small percentages correctly? Surely, one can not poll a small portion of a state and extrapolate such exact matching results. Randomly generated, chaos penetrated, or perhaps even remote viewed -- that could be the accuracy. I do not know what to believe. The age of technology has brought about the words efficiency and ease, as well as hogtubs full of breeding, squirming information, all stored in electronic, un-tangible forms, all easily manipulated due to their dynamic non-local existence. All easily manipulated, and who is to say different? Can you tell I backspaced once in this text? Can you see where I tripped over words and grammar elements, spelling splats, and pauses for some tea? The most prized information, the most self-appointed important data to the people are still kept in centralized, toothpick controlled environments, fed by a handful of people to the globe -- you do not have control. Merely placing your trust in these entities without consent. Trusting their limp words are true, unscathed, and that they will keep you safe. And I do not feel safer. --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- "Writers have two main problems. One is writer's block, where words won't come at all, and logorrhea, when the words come so fast that they can hardly get to the wastebasket in time." --Cecilia Bartholomew --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- FURTHER iCONS FROM THE WATER TABLES, MODULE ONE OF TWO edited by Clockwork Session Start: Tue Oct 20 00:36:01 1998 [0:36] *** Now talking in #unbeing #unbeing created on Tue Oct 20 00:02:20 gee. hey, clock.... [0:36] *** ansat sets mode: +o clock_ super yo. hi? clock, this is keiki. keiki, clock.... hello, keiki... you fall down a lot? clock. did you hear the announcement? shhh. yep. of course. what announcement? Art Bell's clock did. [0:37] *** kilgore (~kilgore@t1-71.eden.com) has joined #unbeing hey, kilgore... hello hello hello. [0:38] *** ansat sets mode: +o kilgore big bad ops it's about one of the only benefits of being a literary whore for free. but a whore by definition.. you're free? if you're for free, then you're just being -called- a whore. you're not really one. right. unless you believe in that "whorism is a state of mind" thing. is there a movement i can join? nevermind, i don't wanna. he's a whore for literature. give him a volume of Blake, and he's yours for an hour..... where shall i put the volume? * clock_ leaps for safety. it's all about perfect genius, bay bee. perfect whore. ooo...david oates page...art bell reversals...i'm a truckin. heh. this oughta be, er, scintillating and complex. can i get sappy for one second? right. last thing i wanted to hear about...cults. sap away. sap away. you're all treasures. done. * ansat refraisn saying "sap away..." dammit, stop being mr. synchronicity. heh. hee. treasures? wow. like historical/monumental? like 15 lbs. of gold? lots artifacts? * ansat assumes Keiki reads the zine. or has cameras in my neighborhood.... it's becoming a habit. you'll immantitze the eschaton before i've received my free apocalypse coupons for food pellets. * ansat has soylent green food pellets ssshhh, i said i was done. no done. reversals at: http://www.reversespeech.com/artquits.html if i say any more, i'm in danger of becoming a groupie. in realaudio, nonetheless. who said there was danger in being a groupie? i did. and that's all that matters. ahh. well. hm. well, you could atleast tell us if you love the irish. i had a crush on a vietnamese-irish person once close enough. interesting combination. sounds like a coffee. heh ummy am i an outsider? outsider. well. what's your definition of an outsider? i don't think we're insiders. so. it depends on what your outside of. besides, we walk around with open arms and evil grins. well, you all know stuff i don't. nah. it's all an act. and we control the vatican library. do you go to disney world much? er.. do i have to answer that? no. just trying to center in on your geographic location... that's what the satellites tell me. i didn't get that memo about controlling the vatican, dammit. i should be in the loop. i want to release an SoB encyclical! starling just sent email. so i'm guessing he's at a computer.... that's why you didn't get the memo. besides, i don't think you want to know that the pope is your father. * keiki gasps great. my birthfather is the pope. how can i live up to that? you could start a rumor involving you, the pope, and marilyn manson. and a glass bubble yeah. glass bubbles rock. didn't protect the pope enuff if kilgore was conceived okay, so the pope removed some of his ribs, and marilyn manson creates new mass hymns, and, um, all the bishops become roving gypsies with crysal balls. he's older than the popemobile, i'm afraid.... good god lots of 'y's in the sentence. and a stolen t yes. yes. gnomes. the assassination attempt was 13 May 1981. the popemobile must be younger than that, since it was built because of it.... always. damn logic. the pope can defy logic. * ansat sometimes borrows the popemobile for joyrides... safer when you roll the car... therefore kilgore could have been conceived through it.. i thought the popemobile was reverse-engineered alien technology to provide bad material for stand-up comics and that joke about "i dunno he the guy in the back is, but he must be important cuz the pope's driving him around!" the guy in the back was the shooter. and where does kathy lee fit into this? sweat shops. if she fits in anywhere, i'm quitting. popeclothes (tm) made by abandoned vatican kids. illegitimate * ansat is ashamed to realie he gets the Kathy Lee referance.... did you hear Nike raised wages in Indonesia? wow. more gnomes. heh yes, i did. i didn't think it was much, tho. yeah, isn't it around 23 dollars now? * clock_ throws the abyss as jim jones. yup. 23 bucks a month... up from 18... big money. no whammies. and better shoes here you go, kil. it's jonestown. whoo hoo. i need more crazy cds with jim jones on it. i've only got about 12 minutes total, and one of those has charlie manson coming out the other speaker at the same time. that just cries luv. literally? [1:00] *** Xio (rally@heron.cblink.net) has joined #unbeing [1:00] *** clock_ sets mode: +o Xio it's a party. it's that girl. impossible hi. you're a girl-kinda xio? girl-kinda? kinda i was asking if it was a boy xio or a girl xio * ansat is kind to girls.... a girl xio * keiki is a girrrrrl [1:02] *** valeriec (vc@dialups-119.ketchikan.ptialaska.net) has joined #unbeing hi geeeee. wow [1:02] *** clock_ changes topic to 'State of unBeing e-zine -- Too many active windows, mommy!' so, whom I should thank for this miraculous gathering of brains? me. always me. no matter what. u? what's this sudden smack of people all about? * ansat races across the room for a box of floppies..... * Xio tries to wake up and get a global picture * ansat suspends negotiations with the Israelis... * clock_ eats the Mossad. israelis again? it's due to all of the von neumann probes i sent out. * clock_ gives everyone bucky balls. we're all gonna be rich and famous soon, aren't we? some are, keiki i dunno about rich. but famous. hellya. and things. * ansat finds the box of disks under the vodka, but can't remember which disk he wanted.... how bout "most of us?" * clock_ eats the disks. I don't want to be famous rish will do rich even i want to be rish. slang for irish? eek i guess i am rish, then. silent alaskan chick. yum. irc just wouldn't feel right without some tasty pop tarts. hello! lag is bad! what flavor tonight? * ansat reaches down clock's throat for his disks.... ack. kev...long blasting time no see! they're brown and frosted. * clock_ points out the metal portion of the disk got stuck in his throat. those are the only ones i like. yup. i have returned. the draw was just too much. ;) couldnt' stay away. [1:07] *** Cassiel (hazrod@a3-2.itis.com) has joined #unbeing not likely, since they're in a big plastic box... oh my. didn't we, cassiel? you probably look like some snake.... ya know, it's gonna be funny if you've had that roar article at your house all along. we need an SoB zamboni. what's happenin in here? ;) * ansat is trying to find a damn file.... brb need soda valeriec: we never know, exactly. yea. replay of the announcement...i couldn't tell if the last few seconds were cut off, or if he did that on purpose. something diabolique about the computer..don't ya think? back ah. so the last few seconds were cut off. right. i think some was cut off last time... yup yeah. nothing major. quick, clock, shove politics into this heyheyhey....who said i'm a political fiend? well, then, stick the irish in * ansat calls clock a political fiend no politics!..it's tooo early and a toaster dammit, irish politics, then right. i can spout out how i'm pro-IRA and things. and i like green hills. and rocks. but i'm all peaceluv. try to avoid political games. at least in public. tho if you count mindless conspiracy wackjobs, i guess i'm guilty. are you on the mailing list? clock, who ya talkin to? you. oh. no. do i have to give a reason? if you wish. i'll take a raincheck but can i make the List? there's lots of rain here. and i'm sure a good amount of checks. THE list? as in the mailing list? yer er, yup but of course. we're trying to woo the world. so you should damn well be on the mailing list. well, then. KKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! put her on the list. her? right? hm. yup. gimme an email address and you'll be receiving monthly issues fer FREE! no charge! it's simple! it's fun! * clock_ smacks kilgore with a stuffed nantucket bay. on the list..on the list wow. we're a cult. who's leader? the guy with EGO tattooed on their forehead. the guy...their...? hm. * Cassiel refuses to drink the kool aid i won a david koresh look alike contest in '93. hahaha i'd sleep with him. if he wasn't god. um, since when has your humble editor lashed his giant ego to a sling and flung it around haphazardly? hehehe lol who's god? kil or Koresh? i dunno...i think i've been taking up your slack. actually, he never said he was. same amount of letters. both begin with a k. wasn't it clock? implications mean much. both have k, o, r, e. why should I live in ignorance? you shouldn't. ignorance is buh-buh-buh-bliss. cha-ching. [1:24] *** clock_ changes topic to 'State of unBeing e-zine -- Mysterious Wilma look-alike contest. Now.' which wilma? wilma flintstone? give context i guess there's only one there can be only one. only one unless you count the bad sequels keik, you're not from massive publishing house, here to offer us book deals, sex, drugs, and money, are you? there's gonna be a third bad sequel, ya know. I know i was waiting for the right time, clock but it's from the tv show but you have to admit, he's gotten a lot of milage off of something he wrote for an undergraduate creative writing class. not so bad then the time is now. who did? step carefully. the guy who created the HL franchise. realy? yup. i don't know why i know that. more useless information from my head. * Xio has no idea what u're talking about i found it very useful, thank you * clock_ drives the SoB zamboni into the SoB "safe from pole shifts" bunker. yer welcome, then... why do we have an ice rink in the bunker? i don't think so... * clock_ builds an ice rink in the bunker. now we do. size 6, please i just wanted to make sure we had a use for that zamboni. can't be wasteful in the bunker. guess i'll have to learn how to ice skate now. * clock_ tosses some aging plastic skates, size 6, at keik. sanitized and everything. which sanitation procedure? can i trust you? FDA Sanitation Procedure #49112. With the rabbit's foot. still in the skate? no, just brushed lightly inside, along with some Hindu chanting and polka visualization. excellent. i invoke the, freddie "iao" yankovic, god of the accordian! I've got a Masters in FDA Sanitation. * ansat chants "om sri Ganeshaya namah" you're a FEMA plant, arentcha? kil minors in FDA Sanitation. i didn't know ansat had a degree in FDA sanitation. * clock_ denies. * clock_ digresses. i take sanitation to the astral plane. gooier, but some old victorian hermetic rituals get the job done. * clock_ relies. * clock_ addresses. i minored in white eclectic rap. speaking of whacky people, clocky, i got another issue of "the eclectic viewpoint" today. your name isn't everlast, is it? i was considering going as Sive for Halloween. fortunately my cultural sensitivity kicked in before i stopped washing my hair and rolling around in the graveyard.... really?? those bastards. i won't have one...oh wait. here it is. * clock_ lasts forever, that's why i'm number one. * clock_ has the knack. he came to austin a couple of weeks ago, methinks. so did the digital underground. strange. "austin kicks, yawp." -- vanilla ice, 1997, last time he came thru. from what i hear, he packed the place. * clock_ is frightened. was it a bar? * ansat is in need of a smoke i think it's the modern day equivalent of a freak show. "oh, look, there goes a falling star." * clock_ throws the opium bucket at ansat. yeah, bar, nothing too big... few hundred people. but still... * ansat heard a rumore there is an absinthe bar in Georgetown.... in georgetown? hm. yeah. i'd have to say rumor. yep D.C.? was there last week. no absinthe. no D.C. texas. oh keiki, were you gonna pop over ye olde e-mail address? double oh doh georgetown = suburb of austin. yeehaw. blech. gurgle, gurgle, gurgle. [1:40] *** valeriec has quit IRC (Read error to valeriec [dialups-119.ketchikan.ptialaska.net]: EOF from client) * ansat has also heard a friend of a friend brews their own.... [1:40] *** valeriec (ircle@dialups-119.ketchikan.ptialaska.net) has joined #unbeing 'ello again. hello again. heh. ha. hee. hoo. at least you had the foresight to use an apostraphe. :-) didn't want to make your mind explode. but other things.. thank you for your concern. concresence, HO! aum shinricio. jim jones' sexual practices? joy. the supreme truth cult! serin gas to salvation! yeah, ansat, could you find anything on that el al flight that went down in berne? yes...el al flight. i love people who talk in circles. he liked mistresses. you're in the Mossad, right, ansat? we talk in circles, semi-circles, right-angles, infinite planes, and bulbous spheres. what about dyson spheres? [1:44] *** Cassiel has quit IRC (Have a better one) dyson spheres? is that like tyson nuggets? mobius strips? that is probably a bit more apt. * ansat had a nightmare where he was chewed out for being too easy on Israel. there ya go, Mossad boy. who's comin to the Fuck You Clown part? * ansat knows nothing about the el al flight, and can't tell you anyway. yes, let's talk in mobius strips. y. nyah should i get the nose and wig this weekend, in case i arrive early? there's still lots of 'y's. yeah, good idea. i guess the photo op isn't Sat, then? we need to do that too. photos and clowns. photos of clowns. clot os fo phowns. heh * ansat is going to the party, but does not intend to be photographed as a clown... i've got the scrubs and surgeon mask ready to go. just need a big ass wig. and we should have shirts by the end of the week, hopefully. shirts. keik...xio...val...what should we do for a press photo? shirts. maybe even free shirts. hm can i have one? sure. as long as your on the mailing list. and offer some surreal fact about yourself. colage how surreal? as surreal as you're comfortable with. dada? ha. if you wish. or maybe.. surreal's fine, i suppose. er? yes...new..uber photos...photos of obsidian liquid covered rooves so everyone can see through time. "it's on me." ansat, brian tried putting you in a lake in photoshop saturday ight. it didn't work too well. it's on you. the fact. excellent. putting me in a lake? which pic? heh....98.9 gets ultra staticky if i touch my mouse. too much liquid in the air. the lake was in the air? um, just one of you standing on bruce's porch. the lake is in a mountain photo sample that came with photoshop. the air is in the air. * ansat is going to turn off the radio. and maybe even smoke. and then spend 4 hours catching up on the conversation..... and what about the liquid? ok, everyone type as much and as fast as possible when he leaves the liquid...apprently in my mouse. oh. i thought you meant the lake. i think we do that well enough when he's here. * ansat expected Gregorian chants, and forgot he had German death metal in his tape deck faster! more! * ansat had to rapidly turn down the volume slight difference. German death metal? gabber Rosicrucion. however you spell that. got it for the band name... * ansat is stepping outside to smoke now. everyone type away.... away. bah. away. btw, just to let people know, i've got ye olde f-server running connected to all of my textfiles. so, if you want anything, feel free to leech away. as always, it's in a constant state of reorganization, so if you are looking for something in particular, ask. just type !textorama for access. i'm downloading web stuff right now, so it will probably be slow for about 20 more minutes. oh boy. i'm scared. that was good. hehee... that beat sound recording shit is in there if you don't have it all, clocky... i's gots it. actually at work. * clock_ stamps APOCALYPTIC SOCIALISM on ansat's forehead while he's gone. quantum, ya know. * ansat comes back in with his hands covered in lighter fluid, and thinks no open flames need be on his porch for a while.... you're a walking hyperbole. heh. wow, i'm impressed that you have a porch its probably all of, like, 12 square feet. it even has a banch. ;) bench, even... i subscribe to neil bohr's quantum model of apocalyptic socialism as opposed to the holographic or mutiple reality variations. [2:00] *** clock_ changes topic to 'State of unBeing e-zine -- Walking mobius strip hyperboles. 12 square feet. Go west young man!' * ansat giggles excellent. * clock_ throws a muffin at alaska. it's so cold in alaska, it's all in her mind... * ansat is listening to Black Sabbath now, and wondering why he doesn't just find the Gregorian chants casette... lou? ayup. back and to the left, ans...back and to the left. oh boy. i ran out of mail to read. * ansat is really beginning to want to smoke enough that he's willing to risk incinerating his porch... ;) [2:02] *** Xio is now known as XioWRK i have a 56k msg from the militia of montana i could send you... ;) go to yer driveway. it's only rain. it's not gonna melt you, is it? not very flammable, ligher fluid is. it gets burned up fast, also. so, never fear. no thanks. i'm done with my militia days. it's news reports, not militia stuff. they just expand it into a nice bite sized chunk... ;) * clock_ frees joe cocker. i'm really done with news reports involving militias. what senator got shot? burkes...berks...birkes... i wasn't listening. found with a single bullet wound. 50-something. i think a democrat...i missed what state. when did that happen? 2-daa. geez. what's the spin? suicide? assassination? robbery? i tink. * ansat should shut up and check CNN... ;) mr. sherrifffff states it's being treated as a homicide. man, we act like we have 16 satellite dishes and 42 forms of media projecting at us at once. * clock_ sues the u.n. * clock_ wishes people would talk more than he does. silkly velure. that's who died. silky velure, rather. Tennessee tennessee. hm. oh wait, he was one of dr. grave's lovers. damn. freak. State Sen. Tommy Burks, a crime victims' 'advocate who was pushing a ballot measure to end a state requirement for ``comfortable'' prisons, was found shot to death on his farm early today.' etc. eek on a farm. figures. right. and hid pig was eating his spleen. [2:08] *** keiki is now known as anygirl s * clock_ doesn't like the fact that hilly is jacking art's bumper music. [2:09] *** valeriec is now known as whoppeecu eh? alaska's back glad to see it. now i have to reassociate personalities w/ nicks. [2:10] *** kilgore has quit IRC (Delta 3.4 - Dark Illumination - - [ http://delta.cjb.net ]) arf. --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- "I couldn't wait to get to American history to make that foot contact with the throbbing, squirming extremetiesof that luscious Ginny. Soon I discovered that she would even let me rest my feet right on TOP of hers, sending jolts of electric sex energy through my whole body!" --Robert Crumb, _Footsy; the true story of how I became a teen-age sex pervert_ --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- THE WAY THE NEWS SHOULD BE REPORTED -- 24DEC98 by The Super Realist What they need to do, they probably won't be able to do it before as snow and freezing rain barreled into the East today, disrupting orders, give or take a few, each day as Christmas neared. Santa met with Clinton today in the United States and later granted political asylum; quoted as, "being very friendly and amicable." About 5 percent of Iraq's 22 million people are Christians and an immigration judge ruled last week that the Cubans should be deported to southern New Jersey by tonight, while another storm system was pronounced dead of exposure. Tuesday and icy roads contributed to three deaths Wednesday. Schuhmann said the site will soon allow customers to buy, for a limited time, their weather beaten gravesites off the air. Iraq's satellite television channel also no longer broadcasts to the White House with relatives and friends. al-Iraq said, "The vicious role of this American and British commission is to buy Warner Bros." But Warner Bros. spokesperson Barbara Brogliatti said Wednesday their stock dropped to 606. And at that pace, the city may log fewer homicidal Furby's similarities to Gizmo; at last count 224 people. A U.S. court has indicted him and Washington for the holidays. The monks received a dozen Gethsemani for the holiday items, many of them for multiple items. No one gave orders, give or take a few, each day as Christmas was taken just before the airstrikes began. Air defenses remain active. NNI quoted bin Laden as saying, "I am leading my life under the Secret Service and the immigration judge's decision is not final until temperatures dropped as much as 40 degrees into the 20s before I see the monarchy. It puts people in the Christmas spirit when you have crisp Taliban homeland." No one will be protected in keeping with Afghan tradition. "I'm looking forward to one of them long-range missiles," U.N. Trade Sanctions Secretary said mid-morning. With repeated use by its owner, the government has kept the military on alert. But the Taliban promised that no one, including bin Laden, would see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center, the agency reported. There was no immediate Taliban comment today about the NNI release of _Gremlins_ and _Gremlins 2: The New Batch._ "The films featured between our character from _Gremlins_ and the Furby there on the highway," terminal manager Gary Babcock said. Ann Charters slid off an icy overpass and fell 35 feet to the street below. She talked with people in their late teens and 20s and a growing prison population about purchasing the Furby dolls, but was referred to Kilgore Trout instead. "Cold, snowy weather," said Kathy Resnick, of Suffern, N.Y., who slid off an icy overpass and fell 35 feet to the street below. She joined countless (well, an exaggerated term, since there IS a finite amount) Americans on Thursday, finishing last-minute shopping on a well rehearsed defense plan. "We'd rather have them safe here at the terminal than stuck out at defense related sites. Iraq says civilian sites also were hit. And by early today, weather-related delays and cancellations had Iraqi's entering the country illegally. Dallas, travelers spent the night on cots, in chairs, on floors in Kansas, Oklahoma, Missouri and Arkansas." Gallup polls show that Clinton has that special zing -- the best available sales help pay for running the abbey. "As they continually point out to me, they have a limited 200,000 who were without power in Virginia today, along with more than the National Weather Service." Central Park recorded a half-inch of Christmas travel, after turning roads across the nation's school and forces everyone to pray five times a day. "These criminals," Clinton said. Clinton, his wife and daughter were spending the holiday at the "Paradox," celebrating the abbey's 150th anniversary. A flood of Nicaraguans into the South kept truckloads of parts from reaching the plant. The entertainment industry newspaper Daily Variety on Wednesday along with the U.N. Special Commission, or UNSCOM, began work in 1991 to help build long-range missiles. "U.N. trade sanctions imposed on Iraq for its work since the monks' Web site shutdown, customers who try to order people and they have a limited capacity," Schuhmann said. The food orders, give or take a few, each day as Christmas neared Nashville, Tenn., suspended service. Nearly 500 people at the Brogliatti would not confirm if discussions were ongoing about salad; field green salad; mashed potatoes; sweet potato casserole; or Taliban's supreme leader Mullah Mohammed Omar. Citing that he would not, outside of that, Clinton kept a light schedule. He recorded his $44.95, a book, _The Abbey of Gethsemani, Place of Peace_ and costly catalogs it mailed out each year. Asking that it be shut down, in his first public denial of the continued detention of Adel Regalado Ulloa, Jose Roberto Mexico about 30 miles west of Naples. Terminally ill Mexicans in Nashville had to stay overnight. Some little bastard's toy's similarity to a movie Gremlin has reportedly led its maker to recall weather-related delays and cancellations which had some agency reported. There was no immediate Taliban comment today about the NNI. They also said that bin Laden gave a written guarantee to the unintentional similarities between our character from _Gremlins_ and the Furby," she said, independent News Network International reported today. The president headed out shortly after 1 p.m. EST to pick up Gethsemani after being swamped with orders for their trademark. The Trappist monks changed the message on weekly radio addresses and nominated an ambassador to Brazil before supporting another IRA uprising. Someone has until now refused to let him make public statements. Bin Laden's campaign against the United States is aimed at telephone lines between Baghdad and the rest of the country; remaining cut. This was not to increase business but to cut down on the amount of paper. "I was not involved in the bomb blasts... but I don't regret the effort to dismantle Iraq's programs to build mass destruction weapons," bin Laden said this week. It led to the stronger economy, waning crack use, a drop in the number of about 800 people scheduled to work the second production shift. "I'm looking forward to one," said Joan Osborne about an undisclosed amount of missiles to Warner Bros., the studio that made Baghdad. --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- "In this world, a freak is no bad thing to be. They proved that back in the sixties." --Spider Robinson, "Lady Slings the Booze" --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- 18 JANUARY 1999 Reflections on Black Liberation by Crux Ansata Today, in the United States, we celebrate the state-enforced holiday of Martin Luther King Day. I say state-enforced, rather than state-sanctioned, because this is not a people's holiday, not a holiday that arose from the genius of the American people. Indeed, it is a divisive holiday, enforced in places against the will of the people. Nor is it a religious holiday, created by a popular religion and recognized and sanctioned by the state. Rather, this is a state-created and enforced holiday. There is nothing unusual about a state-invented holiday. Throughout time, governments have been creating holidays to emphasize their greatness -- celebrations of independence, commemorations of battles, jubilees of rulers. Martin Luther King Day recognizes none of these, and should make the people wonder why this government sees fit to mandate celebrations for this man. Martin Luther King is presented as a kind of revolutionary and martyr. He is presented as a man who put his life and freedom on the line for the liberation of his people. Insofar as this is true, he was a good man, but hardly one the U.S. state should see fit to laud. How does one explain this contradiction? The United States has seen two forms of the Black Liberation struggle. Martin Luther King typifies one of these. This form of the struggle is essentially reactionary, conformist. Through non-violence and civil disobedience, Martin Luther King sought the right to just fit in, on the proposition there is no real reason why not. Contrasted to this may be placed Malcolm X's form of Black Liberation, especially at the end of his life. Similarly struggling, also a religious figure, also assassinated, Malcolm X post-mortem has had a less warm reception by the United States's center-left establishment. Where Martin Luther King denies any White-Black difference, Malcolm X rages against it. Malcolm X acknowledged differences between Black and White and sought, by any and all means, to raise the Black experience to the level of the White. While Martin Luther King has been canonized by the United States's established church, Malcolm X has been at best ignored and marginalized, more often commercialized or demonized. One must wonder: Why?, and, to answer, one must wonder: Who benefits? One popular point of opposition is violence. Martin Luther King always and everywhere taught submission to the strongest, and this made him a safe "revolutionary." This was why he was feted by the White establishment, and why he was selected to head the March on Washington -- an attempted pressure- valve to which Malcolm X was not invited. But while this issue is often cited, it is unconvincing. For one, Malcolm X did not engage in violence, nor did he prefer it over peaceful means. Malcolm X preferred freedom, and all else was tactics. Malcolm X did not ideologically shy from violence, as Martin Luther King did, but this is not the cause of his exclusion from the center-left pantheon. Rather, is it a symptom. The other often-cited cause is Malcolm X's advocation of non-integration. He believed, especially in the earlier part of his career, in the need for Whites to solve White problems, and Blacks to solve Black problems. Some see in this a manifestation of racism; I see in this a manifestation of his deep belief in self-sufficiency. As his consciousness rose in his last times, he shifted to acknowledge the need for the oppressed to solve the problems of the oppressed, and not wait for the leeches to decide they are wrong for exploiting the people, regardless of race. But this, too, is a symptom. The split between Martin Luther King and Malcolm X goes much deeper. Martin Luther King, as stated, was an integrationist, essentially a reactionary. At bottom, he believed this status quo is good, and should be preserved. Malcolm X believed no such thing. Malcolm X was essentially a revolutionary. While Martin Luther King was motivated by a desire for "fairness" -- everyone should be mistreated in the same way -- Malcolm X was motivated by freedom. Malcolm X believed that Blacks should not be oppressed, not because they should be just like Whites, but because they should be autonomous human beings. Is race the problem? We don't know. We can't know. Just as a respectful love relationship is only possible between two fully realized individuals with equal power in the relationship, so, too, equal race relations are only possible between two equal, realized nations. A colonialist situation is no more capable of showing equality than an abusive relationship is of showing true love. This was why Malcolm X struggled first to advance the Black race, and secondarily for inclusion into the White community. So, why has Martin Luther King been adopted by the oppressor class, while Malcolm X has been adopted by the baseball cap industry? Again: Who benefits? Martin Luther King endorsed integration. While on the surface an effort to bring Blacks to equal rights with Whites, it is no threat to the ruling class, because the end effect is not a raising of the Blacks to the level of Whites, but a leveling of Blacks and Whites. This is, in effect, the lowering of Whites to equality with Blacks. Martin Luther King had faith in our system, and this makes him a hero to the rulers. He sought mere fairness. If you are only interested in "fair" -- in that grand, bourgeoisie "fair trade" mentality -- than the "progress" in race relations should appeal to you. Black and White are getting more equally exploited. Just as bourgeois feminism ended with women *and* men equally forced into proletarianization -- in a more "fair" world -- so too Blacks and Whites approach the socioeconomic lowest common denominator. And the ruling class understands this. This is basic economics. All else being equal, if Blacks and Whites compete, wages and living standards will reach the lowest sustainable levels. Ethics is an externality, but the "ethics" of fairness is cold, economic calculation. But where Martin Luther King endorsed integration, Malcolm X endorsed liberation. Malcolm X knew Blacks in the United States are internally colonized, and sought a liberating struggle, not to give a colonized people the forms of freedom when they weren't ready for them. And, indeed, as our capitalism gets increasingly senile, and as the people of the United States are increasingly colonized, equality -- the equality of the type fought for by Martin Luther King -- is making the process of exploitation easier. We are getting more and more to the state of equal exploitation, even as Blacks and Whites are prevented from opposing the ruling class by having painted those who oppose them as racists. So, as long as one is obligated by the state to observe Martin Luther King's feast day, observe for the things he should be remembered for: struggle and self-sacrifice. But, when the conversation turns to economics and race relations, remember we can all benefit through revolutionary class struggle, and that no one but the ruling class benefits from "fairness" and integration. --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- "The lung of a smoker is a naked virgin thrown as a sacrifice into the godfire." --Tom Robbins, _Still Live With Woodpecker_ --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- THE REiGN OF NiCOTiANA TABACUM by Bixenta Moonchild Ahh, sweet cigarette smoke. It is a smell more dear to my heart than that of my flower garden in the spring or of my favorite incense that welcomes me daily into my bedroom/sanctuary. Cigarettes mean oh so many things to me. There was a time when they only played the simple role of a dirty habit, but I have since found that they can be so much more. They are a constant fixation, an obsession, the tools of an art form, a much needed diversion, an addiction for some, and a thorough infestation of the lifestyle of every smoker. The act of smoking is a daily ritual that brings us away from our lives for a few moments at a time and kindly provides us with the comfort of any religious practice. The smoker forms a personal relationship with his cigarettes; when he returns to them after being deprived of their contact for a few hours, the scene is an emotional one of a long-awaited reunion. The pack of cigarettes is a trusty sidekick; it is loyal and it waits patiently for us in one's pocket during every long hour of the day. When it is just you all alone in life, it can be pretty tough, but when it is you and your cigarettes, life seems a little easier to live. I know all of this all too well. I am nearing my 18th birthday (hallelujah!!!), so soon I will be able to buy my cigarettes legally. Soon I will be living on my own where my parents won't complain about the smell of smoke drifting downstairs from my room in the attic, or about the possibility that I could burn down their house with a lit cigarette. Soon I will be attending an educational institution of which I can smoke on the premises without having to keep a lookout for high school security guards whose sole purpose is to hand out $82 smoking fines. Soon I will be able to be a smoker without any hassles, but recently, after a 4-year-long love affair with cigarettes, I have finally said goodbye to this dear friend of mine. Why don't I smoke anymore? I have heard many people say that kids smoke only because they want to spite authority and that kids get a thrill from breaking the law, and, in most cases, disobeying their parents. For my particular situation, because of what my age was at the time I chose to quit, this might seem like a good explanation. However, it is completely untrue in my case, as it probably is for most others, and I am personally insulted by this theory. I would never care more about pleasing or displeasing other people (especially "the establishment") than I care about pleasing myself. I am pretty sure that most rational kids feel the same way that I do about this. So...why did I smoke? Didn't I know what it would do to my health? Actually, when I began smoking at 14, I had already been convinced that anyone who ever poisoned their lungs with even a puff of cigarette smoke would die a painful death of emphysema or lung cancer before the age of 50. But I was in a deeply suicidal state of mind at that phase of my life, and I was certain that I would give myself a comfortable death long before age 50 with a bottle of sleeping pills. At age 16, I was still depressed, but my thoughts were centered around the desire for suicide much less frequently, and I began to contemplate the idea of having a long life with a husband, children, a career, vacations, celebrations, revelations about the meaning of life, and all that other groovy stuff. As this idea began to appeal to me more, I started to consider quitting smoking. But I knew it would be a very painful farewell to my favorite pastime, so I found a way to live happily with both of these contr ing desires; I became an expert in the one-thousand-and-one ways to deny the truth. And the longer one spends in denial, the easier it is to see your self-tailored rationalizations as the truth. But few people succeed in destroying their voice of logic completely. Somehow we manage to live with that little nagging voice of logic weakly battling the whimsical rationalizations for our behavior, and because our rationalizations always have the upper hand, we continue to enjoy the destruction of our own health. The factual reasons to quit smoking are so compelling, and the ways that we deny them to ourselves seem so silly, so where does our denial get so much power over us? Why is the immediate desire to smoke so much greater than the desire for our general, long-term well-being? I doubt that every smoker is suicidal, and caring about life means caring about one's health. So why are we so weak under the power of Cigarettes, and why are they so powerful? The physically addictive properties of tobacco are just one of the many factors that keeps us helplessly faithful to it as it betrays us, and I believe that this physical addiction is a rather minor factor. Peer pressure is often blamed for being the reason why kids start smoking, but from my experience, peer pressure is practically non-existent. There is also no logical explanation (that I can think of) for one kid to care whether or not another kid starts smoking cigarettes. To understand our strange fondness for cigarettes, we must look at the deeply rooted psychological reasons for our fascination with the act of smoking. Breathing is the most primal and vital need for all living things. For the vast majority of the time that we are alive, we will not take any notice of our breathing. But our rate of breathing constantly changes as we find ourselves in different situations that change our emotions, mood, and state of mind. Controlled breathing can give us the feeling that we have a little more control over our lives, as is shown in meditation, yoga, and anger management that use controlled breathing techniques. When we smoke a cigarette, breathing becomes a new, unique sort of physical pleasure. When we pay such close attention to our inhalation of that sweet, warm smoke into our lungs, and, after holding it there for a moment to let our bodies absorb it, paying the same attention to our careful exhalation of it and actually seeing the white mist that is a mixture of our smoke and breath curl into little spirals in the air and fade away, it is almost like suddenly remembering again that we can bre athe and that the constant repetition of this forgotten, unconscious duty is what gives us life. It reminds us of our own mortality and of the realities of life. We sometimes forget that our selves are contained in bodies, and a renewed concentration on physical activity "brings us back" into our bodies. Everyone is "orally fixated," and this adds to the beauty of smoking. Our lips are one of the most sensitive parts of our bodies; what a wonderful reward it is to give them a soft cotton filter to suck on through which pours the stream of fragrant smoke that the smoker craves. Friends and lovers kiss each other when they are together; when the smoker is alone, he always has the tasty smooch and the smoky embrace of his cigarette. People often feel the urge to eat even when their stomachs tell them that they are not hungry; smoking gives us the feeling of ingesting something but gives us no calories. Smoking also gives an alternative to people who feel compelled to chew their fingernails or bite their lips. Smoking a cigarette gives us a chance to stop and "smell the flowers." Society looks down upon idleness, and this belief is ingrained in us from a very young age. If we see a man standing against a wall, doing nothing but staring up at the sky for 15 minutes or so, we will automatically think that he is strange and suspicious. But if this man spent that 15 minutes smoking a cigarette, we would think that the scene is a completely normal one. We live in a busy society, and we feel that we always must be doing something, especially when we are in public; people often feel awkward when they are staying still and doing nothing when they are in public view. But we still have a craving for idle time, and smoking a cigarette is a mindless action that we can use to keep our hands busy and make it look like we are doing something. When we are alone, it is preferable to occupy our bodies with a mindless chore while our thoughts drift than to do nothing and let our bodies stay frozen i obility. When we are in the company of others and are having a conversation, it is sometimes nice to have a small distraction so that less than 100% of our attention is focused on the people with whom we are speaking. There are no "dead air" gaps in the conversation when the participants are smoking cigarettes; the conversation is then only one of the two things that are going on, and pauses are allowed and necessary for lighting up, taking a drag, exhaling, and so on. The act of smoking lends a more leisurely atmosphere to any situation. And time seems to roll by more slowly when a person has this one extra thing to keep him busy. Smoking also creates some social opportunities. Smokers get together and congregate outdoors to have their cigarettes when smoking is forbidden indoors, as it is in most places. In high schools across the country, a frequent reason for going to the bathroom is to gather in front of the open window with other smokers to share a smoke. No one ever offers an invitation to go outside or to the bathroom window "just to talk". Smokers are a minority of the general population, and there is indeed a bond between them, especially in this particular time when the media and political opinion are telling us that the tobacco companies are the evil buddies of the devil and smokers are their helpless, hypnotized victims. In my personal experience, I've noticed that a good deal of their conversation is spent on the subject of cigarettes: complaining about how the tax on cigarettes will soon be more than the actual cost of the cigarettes, grumbling about smoking bans in new places, and so on. The amount of conversation on this subject is not surprising considering that new anti-smoking legislation is enacted almost every day. When one group is being persecuted by a much larger one, it brings its members together in a strange way; it seems that this is what is happening during this newly declared "war on tobacco." Smoking is a perfect way to fill the short intervals of time in between bigger things in life. That 15-minute break at work is just the right amount of time for having a cigarette. What would we do when we're waiting for a bus if we didn't smoke? A cigarette break seems like a good idea for the 5 minutes between high school classes or the 10 minutes between college classes. How could we stand in line to get into a concert without smoking a cigarette while we're waiting? A cigarette has always accompanied that cup of coffee; what would replace it if we quit? What else is there to do with one's hands when one is stuck in traffic besides smoking? What else would pacify us while we're waiting for our order at a restaurant? For a smoker, having the first cigarette of the morning is as strong of a habit as brushing his teeth. After the habit is formed, smoking seems as natural and as necessary as eating. But unlike eating, a person can have an unlimited amount of cigarettes. And instead of having them at meal times, they can be used at any spare moment, and they make a person feel good every time. And then there are the many unnameable pleasures and beauties that smoking holds for us. A frequent smoker finds that the lit cigarette in his hand becomes almost like another appendage, an extension of his body that interacts with the atmosphere by slowly dissolving into puffs of smoke. A smoker gets accustomed to the trail of smoke that follows his hand every time he gestures; a disruption in the straight line of rising smoke occurs every time he begins to wave his hands to emphasize his point, and somehow his words seem less powerful without the help of those white vapors. The cigarette becomes almost like a conductor's baton, its movement continually changing speed with the tempo of the conversation. It is like a magic wand, gracefully spewing floating white dust like the wand of Cinderella's fairy godmother. And it is magic because, as most people need non-material things to feel complete and content -- things such as loving relationships, adventurous experiences, intellect ulfillment, or spiritual stimulation -- a smoker, or any drug user for that matter, can hold one of his sources of fulfillment right there in his hand. And there are all the little things, like that delicious smell of burnt tobacco that lingers on the two fingers that hold the cigarette, and the feeling of heat in your lungs on a cold winter day, and the many other cute little attributes of smoking that make it so endearing to us who have done it for so long. If we are to try to quit smoking, it is helpful to understand the reasons why we smoke. It is my belief that the habit of smoking creates an emotional addiction that is far more powerful than the chemical addiction of nicotine. And it is the beauteous and primal nature of smoking that draws us to it in the first place, not advertising or peer pressure or the illegality of underage smoking or the supposed temptation of that which is forbidden. It is a lovely and satisfying habit for all the reasons I have listed, and I think I know them all too well. There is no substitute for all of the pleasing things that smoking brings into the life of the smoker. But unless one is suicidal or in denial, one cannot be a smoker. I have not bothered to discuss the reasons not to smoke because, in 1998, I don't believe that there is a single soul in this country who has not heard them over and over again ad infinitum. We are drawn to it knowing full well of all of its short and long term dangers. The key to escaping the clutches of Nicotiana Tabacum is in knowing how it has such a strong hold on us so we can wrestle our way out. It is probably best for a person to never start smoking at all so that he never fully knows what he is missing and never goes through the experience of quitting. Some people decide that they want to quit, but they put it off for years because they claim it is too painful to be endured. I say to them, a little bit of suffering now is better than a lot of suffering later. And it would be awfully nice if you could walk up a flight of stairs without gasping for breath. --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- "I've always considered movies evil; the day that cinema was invented was a black day for mankind." --Kenneth Anger --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- FREAKS ON FiLM A Brief Examination of the Revelation of the Other by Kilgore Trout Before film even began as a narrative artform, it was being used to showcase people with various disabilities and physical handicaps in nickelodeons. P.T. Barnum's sideshow spectacles were in vogue at the turn of the century, and it proved profitable to put these performers on film as well as on short reels. Freak films, as they have come to be known, have remained popular during the past 100 years, from the films of Tod Browning to the recent Faces of Death "shockudramas." Either done in documentary styles or as regular movies using freaks in the main roles, the genre has attracted a sizable cult following. Some argue that these films are for purely exploitative purposes and contain no artistic merit, but others say that these films are symbolic of our own fears of ourselves and our roles within society, especially relationships with those who are different. In order to understand the role that freak films have played in cinema, a short look at a few films in the genre is required. The pioneer of the freak film was the French filmmaker George Molies, who began making films in 1895. He soon grew bored of making documentaries about normal events and started to experiment with the camera, "single-handedly pioneering the fantasy film" (Hunter 198). These trick photography investigations included an enormous degree of body manipulation, such as a sequence from _The India Rubber Head_ (1902) where Molies used a rubber balloon to enlarge his head which then exploded. He is also credited with filming what is often said to be the first nude film, _Apros Le Bal -- Le Tub_ (1897). With his experimental camerawork and subject matter, the road for later directors had its first foundations built. Although Tod Browning's most popular film was Universal's _Dracula_ (1931), starring Bela Lugosi, he is perhaps best remembered for his 1932 movie _Freaks,_ which is centered around a group of sideshow performers. The main character of the film is the midget Hans, played by Harry Earles, who is seduced and later married to Cleopatra, the trapeze artist. She has plans to poison Hans so she and the strongman Hercules can inherit Hans' wealth. Before the insidious plot can be completed, the other performers learn of the plan, and in the climax of the film, take revenge on Cleopatra, mutilating her and turning her into one of their own. This raises the question as to whether or not Cleopatra, being normal, is actually empowered by being disfigured by the disabled, who are the majority power in the movie (Norden 116). The film ruined Tod Browning's career, and he died in 1962 just as Freaks was gaining a new popularity (Hunter 202). Lon Chaney, the star of _The Phantom of the Opera_ (1932), was known as the man with a thousand faces, and with Browning he made a number of movies where he played disabled characters. In what Jack Hunter considers the pairs' most disturbing foray into freak cinema (200), _The Unknown_ (1927) finds Chaney playing an armless circus entertainer, throwing knives with his feet at Joan Crawford, who is spinning on a revolving wheel. The audience discovers that Crawford's father was killed by a man with two thumbs on his left hand, and a few scenes later, Chaney is shown removing a straitjacket that concealed his arms, one of which has two thumbs on its left hand. He intuits that he could amputate his arms off and marry Crawford, for whom he has fallen for, and no one would know he committed the homicide. Things go awry, however, as Crawford reveals she never loved Chaney and professes her love for the strongman, Malabar. During Malabar's act, which consists of him "holding back" two galloping horses which are, in fact, on revolving platforms that keep them stationary, Lon Chaney, now armless, uses his feet to jam the mechanism that spins the platforms. His murder attempt fails, but one of the horses breaks free and tramples Chaney to death. These two films by Tod Browning are classic examples of the genre and showcase a bizarre cast of characters. It is interesting to note that _The Unknown_ was a box office success, even though it was despised by reviewers. Hunter explains that this was probably because of Chaney's supreme ability at wrenching sympathy from audiences for even the most vile characters and the movie's familiar setting, a circus (200). The fact that Freaks, a film with real disabled men and women, shows an interesting dichotomy in the public's viewing acceptance of the extremely physically handicapped. A well-known actor such as Lon Chaney could play an armless circus performer and have a successful movie, but real freaks would cause people to run out of the theater. In both movies, the disabled characters are set up as sympathetic characters, but by the end of the movies, they have resorted to horrible deeds that supposedly are influenced by their disfigurements. Norden notes that the revenge finale of _Freaks_ is flawed, and quotes John Broson from his book _The Horror People:_ This retaliation by the freaks, though partly justified, is a major flaw in the picture. Up to then Browning had effectively presented them as basically "normal people," despite their physical handicaps... and much more likable than the two physically perfect people. But by resorting finally to the popular image of circus freaks as being strange and sinister creatures he destroyed all his previous good work, laying himself open, at the same time, to the charge of exploitation.... (116) This climatic ending reveals a theme that the freak, however human he might appear to be, is still a freak and will act like a freak no matter how civilized he seems. It is an attack against the other, at the different. One cannot be totally human if he does not look normal, and Cleopatra is given the ultimate punishment by having her looks removed. She is now an outsider to the rest of the world who will be shunned just as those who did the act. In her book, Linda Badley writes about Sartre who said that "the body is the sign of one's 'facticity,' one's ontological reality." She goes on to state that the body is a symbol of wholeness and unity, even though with the progression of medical science, the concept of the body equaling a person is diminishing. This notion enhances the significance of Cleopatra's mutilation -- she has now lost part of her body, and is now less than human. Lon Chaney's character in _The Unknown_ also faces this dilemma. It is his body which is the source of his problems, since it is his two-thumbed hand which is the damning evidence of his guilt. By amputating his arms, Chaney tries to cover up his crime for the sake of his feelings towards Crawford's character, but Chaney, who is the victim of unanswered love, cannot be redeemed, so he chooses to revert to his evil nature and tries to commit murder. This feeling of horror at the revelation of the other, the grotesque side of humanity personified in the disfigurement of the freaks provides for powerful cinema. There is a slight current of the Frankenstein mythos running through freak films, in that the question is not only how human are the freaks, but how much can the humans be like the freaks. They are viewed as disasters of nature, but at the same time, their normal counterparts act just as inexcusably as they do. Badley explains that the Frankenstein myth has shifted into this realm in the form of symbolizing the consequences of action that arise from the ability to choose (99). In both of Browning's films, these consequences result in destruction of the body, and ultimately, of the self. Norden argues in his book that these types of movies are purely exploitative, based on stereotypes designed to titillate and shock audiences. However, another subgenre in the freakish realm is that of the Mondo movie, named for the 1962 film _Mondo Cane_ by Gualtiero Jacopetti and Franco Prosperi. The documentary showed viewers a side of life never before seen, from animal cruelty to a remote African tribe who worshipped cargo planes. With names like _Taboos of the World,_ _Savage Africa,_ and _Weird Weird World,_ these films set out to up the ante in the shock value of cinema. Horror movies had been a successful genre for the thirty years preceding the 1960s, but with Mondo movies, the shocks came not from made up monsters from Victorian novels but real people in real places. While filmmakers like Browning wanted to show a different side of life based on the circus sideshow and the human oddities that encompassed that lifestyle, they were still characters in a fictional story. Mondo removed them from a fictional setting and went to where they actually lived. David Flint writes that audiences were shocked at what they saw, since in 1962 "they were still only just getting used to the idea of bare breasts" on-screen. (2) And this time, the freakish aspects were not relegated to merely how the people depicted looked but also how they acted. Religious fanatics would clean church steps with their tongues, and African witch doctors cut holes into heads without the use of anesthetic. This results in stepping closer to the removal of the boundary between the events being filmed and the viewer, who normally witnesses the different in a sideshow or on-screen as a costume made of foam rubber. In Mondo, the action is real, and the audience is forced to ask why these people do what they do. "[Mondo movies] offer us a look at a forbidden, secret side of life... seen from a permanently cynical viewpoint," Flint explains, and it is this secret life that the viewer is so interested in seeing. (6) Unlike _Freaks_ or _The Unknown,_ Mondo comes closer to the dark side of the human psyche than even the news, since its focus is on the actual occurrences, not after-the-fact reporting. Although some later Mondo movies were staged, like various segments in the notorious _Faces of Death_ series, most of the footage, in its grainy and raw film stock, suggests an urgency and dirtiness that doesn't exist in most horror and freak films. Upon viewing _Mondo Cane_ thirty years after its initial release, the images seem excruciatingly tame and unexciting, with the exception of a few dogs being beaten, and one wonders how much closer society has come to that which was announced thirty years ago as being the most shocking footage ever filmed. Through freak films and Mondo cinema, the audience is allowed to examine a facet of life not normally viewed. However, this is not escapist fantasy, a world to belong to for a few hours in order to escape the doldrums of normal life. On the surface it may seem so, but underneath there lies a stream of ourselves projected in the other, of not only what we are capable of what we are doing but what we have already done, shown in an exaggerated manner which makes the actions seem absurd. The other is revealed as maligned and mutilated, and it is this part of the psyche that these films attempt to deal with. BiBLiOGRAPHY Badley, Linda. _Film, Horror, and the Body Fantastic._ London: Greenwood Press, 1995. Flint, David. "It's a Dog's Life: The Go, Go, Go World of Mondo Movies." _Rapid Eye 2._ Ed. Simon Dwyer. London: Creation Books, 1995, pp. 1-6. Hunter, Jack. "Inauguration of the Teradome." _Rapid Eye 3._ Ed. Simon Dwyer. London: Creation Books, 1995, pp. 197-211. Norden, Martin F. _The Cinema of Isolation._ New Brunswick: Rutgers University Press, 1994. --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- [=- POETASTRiE -=] "In the East poets are sometimes thrown in prison -- a sort of compliment, since it suggests the author has done something at least as real as theft or rape or revolution. Here poets are allowed to publish anything at all -- a sort of punishment in effect, prison without walls, without echoes, without palpable existence -- shadow-realm of print, or of abstract thought -- world without risk or _eros_." --Hakim Bey, _T.A.Z._ --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- MEDiTATiON AT OCCiDENTAL PARK by The Super Realist Occidental Park Did I come across you Accidental -- Lee? Why are all these pigeons here? The bums can't eat them And the prostitutes only care about the bottom line and making the dime and don't have the time -- Sorry, was about to goosestep onto a rant concerning politicians But I refuse to get political When evaluating the bhikku sitting next to me Who am I to judge Being the grizzled 20--something Boddhisattva with a djarum clove held like a pencil tracing outlines of smoke within my lungs and hung in the air with a sweet taste of honey on my lips But that's just the senses fooling me (Descartes wasn't wrong, you know) because there IS no honey in cloves Just ask the bees Plenty of them around me Of course I gave up (spiritual) Nirvana And there goes a tour Everything is so touristy around here I wonder if Pearl Jam ever did the tours of the Underground I wonder if the bees ever got harassed by arrogant gen--x tour guides simply because they didn't make the in--crowd variety of honey The Fenix is too far to walk And I don't have enough to buy a hooker Damn! That's the third time I've passed that woman this weekend of my life Maybe she is my life I've been reading too much Kafka I wonder if she's heading to Pioneer Square Or home --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- [=- FiCTiON -=] --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- COMMENCEMENT SPEECH AT TRUMPET COLLEGE TO THE DECEMBER GRADUATiNG CLASS OF 1998 by I Wish My Name Were Nathan TJ: I don't like giving speeches. I guess I don't know many people who do, come to think of it. The whole format somehow bugs me, if you catch my drift. So I've come up with a suitable substitute. This'll be a dialogue between you and me. We'll see how this works. First off, the basics. Your president introduced me already, but I didn't like what he said about me. He focused too much on my achievements. I've had failures too, and I think they're just as important. So I'll introduce myself. My name is Theodore Johnson. My friends call me "Trapdoor" and you can too. AUDiENCE: [laughter, applause] TJ: Thank you. I can see some of you know me already. I'm damned if I know you. I've been on this earth for little over forty years now, and most of that time I've been writing stories about good people who think they're worthless. As your president already told you, I've recently published a book compiling a set of thirty characters who I feel best represent the span of human possibility thwarted from its full potential. This book is in fact my first. Until now, I've only been able to get stories published in small magazines, some of which I almost wish had omitted my name. AUDiENCE: [laughter] TJ: I won't go into details. AUDiENCE: [laughter] TJ: I am astounded at the publicity my book has achieved, most of all because so many people find it dear to their hearts. I think this is sad. Too many people identify with my characters, whether white, black, male, female, poor, or rich. Why is this? I ask myself: why is this? The undercurrent in all the characters I've written is the tragedy of lives cut short, people with tremendous gifts who couldn't use them. These people didn't commit suicide, they didn't get killed, they didn't die. But it's just as well. For whatever reason, these characters have cowered under self-doubt, fear, or apathy. One character of mine was actually an acquaintance of mine in high school. Her name was Carol. I only met her face-to-face in an arts and crafts class. Boy, could she sculpt! I was flabbergasted -- among shoddy cups and plates, low-class damn crappy knitting, Carol was making faces of people she loved. Her mother. Her brother. She didn't get around to her father that semester because she wanted to get his face just right, with his tense face, wiry moustache, and wrinkled skin. But the next year, she had finished it, and that bust -- marvelous creation, nearly lifelike -- was on display in the hallway, and her father was as proud as any man could be of his daughter. I next met Carol four years later tending tables at a Shoney's in Fort Worth. I was so happy to see her. "Carol!" I said, "what are you up to nowadays?" She told me her story. She had quit sculpting. She'd gone to college, took a major in art, and somehow fizzled out into a C student during her second year. And she dropped out. "But you must still be sculpting," I said, and she shook her head no. "No?!" I cried. "Why not?" She couldn't give me a direct answer, but I could see by the way she talked and waved her hands about. She said, "I really wasn't that good." I prodded her to stop being modest, but I soon realized she wasn't being modest. She really believed it! She really believed she wasn't that good. Whether or not that was really true where she went to school, I figured she could become "that good" in a few years with practice. I asked her if she would take up sculpting again. She said no. She'd become discouraged. Now, I couldn't convince her otherwise in the hour I was there eating. What could have made this happen? Why did such a talent have to evaporate? When I got home I was infuriated. I could not hold my temper. Do you know why? AUDiENCE: Why? TJ: She had thrown it away, that's why. I consider myself a good judge of character, and when she and I were talking, I knew she'd had no reason at all to give up sculpting. The way she talked to me made it sound like it had been a snap decision on her part. I'd expected to hear a story about the economic difficulties of being an artist, but no -- she had a little bit of a slump, got some bad grades, and just quit. She just quit! Can you imagine such a thing? All that potential, she just threw it away! Now, graduates, I imagine my frustration may be falling on deaf ears. Carol's a free person, right? She didn't have to do what she didn't want, right? It's her life! After all, there was a whole big world out there for her to waitress. AUDiENCE: [scattered laughter] TJ: I have one thing to say about that argument. It's worthless! I think it's a sad state of affairs when a country values freedom so much that its citizens give up on life. For isn't that what Carol did? As far as I know, she's still playing waitress. She probably hates her job, but she didn't have to get stuck with it, and she doesn't have to stick with it, but she just might. Why? Because it's easy. I think if something is easy, then it's probably a bad choice. Does anyone disagree? AUDiENCE: [several raised hands, about a quarter of the audience] TJ: I suspected as much. I'm not going to insult you directly, since I know you're itching to get your diplomas and get drunk, right? But I will raise this question: what's so great about 'easy?' I want each of you to think for a minute: do you remember anything you did that changed your life? I imagine most of you do. Would you have preferred that this life-changing event, whatever it was, would have been easier? Maybe taken less time, less effort? AUDiENCE: [cheers, clapping, "College!", "getting my car!", etc.] TJ: Bullshit! I apologize, President Spencer, but bullshit! Nothing worthwhile is worth anything when it comes easier. Believing in such nonsense is what makes gifted people like Carol give up. Even worse, it is what makes ordinary people stay ordinary. They feel some discontent in their lives and decide to endure it rather than seek change. Ruts are easy! They're carved out in the shape of lazy asses! AUDiENCE: [raucous laughter] TJ: I said a while back that I write about gifted people who let their talents slide. Perhaps that is the wrong word. It may alienate those with low self-esteem. "Malleable" fits in just as well, or better. For what is a gifted person besides one that excels in something other than mediocrity? When such a gifted person degenerates, he becomes ordinary, because he excels in rut-crawling and conformity. Such a degeneration is from possibility to pattern. Patterns are easy. Possibility is hard. Someone like Carol had possibility of a lofty sort, because she was an artist. Being an artist demands an insatiable appetite for possibility, for novelty. It's not the ability to meticulously reproduce someone else's painting that makes a painter -- that makes a copyist. Artists must outgrow standards, and themselves, constantly. But no less should apply to any human being. Forgive me if I get preachy. AUDiENCE: [laughter, cries of "You go!"] TJ: I believe I can offer you an authentic, valuable insight into the difficulties of adulthood. For most of you students, the pressures of due dates and grades were enough to keep them thinking and achieving. You had twelve years for grade school and four or five years for college. The administrators, teachers, and professors wrote the rules, schedules, and assignments. But after this, unless you go to grad school, there are no standardized tests, no official deadlines, no objective grades. You must do all the work, to decide what's worth doing, how long it must take, and what constitutes success. Do you see yourself diving into a rut yet? I assure you, you will, unless you constantly remind yourself that you are living in possibility. Think about that. Nothing is fixed. Nothing. In conclusion, it is in fact ironic that I could have written a story about myself and it would have fit right in with these other characters. It seems apt. I didn't get enough courage to try to publish these stories until six years ago. Until then I felt comfortable checking tickets at a four-screen theater in south Dallas. AUDiENCE: [murmur] TJ: And I'll tell you -- don't squander your life like I did. You -- each of you -- is worth more than that. You're already miles ahead of me. You've got college degrees now. Congratulations! Give yourselves a hand. AUDiENCE: [applause, cheering] --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- "Those who think they have stopped learning need the hardest lessons yet." --generic cliched advice --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- THE REiNS OF FATE by Dan Safarik Melvin Sneddle did his job, and well. He never spoke out when a pile of multicolored slips landed in a rainbow of bureaucratic furor on his desk minutes before 5 o'clock. He had moved such a volume of paper through the hallowed halls of Overstreet, Underpass & Sooer that on his birthday he was awarded a commemorative brass pen, engraved with his name next to the words "Employee of the Moment." It sat proudly at a central location on his desk. He remembered the award ceremony brilliantly. The teeth of his superiors gleamed, washed clean of raw flesh for the event. A hot water-bottle handshake. A smile, a wink and a ride in the freight elevator. Someone faxed his buttocks to Sri Lanka. It wasn't him. On the way home, he didn't make eye contact on the subway. He kept his nose in the newsprint. It was better that way. Melvin didn't bother anyone. He lived amidst vast brick expanses of postwar blah. At home, he put together "Giant Squid" and "Tyrannosaurus" balsa wood skeletons. That was one of his hobbies. His other hobby was ruling the Universe. * * * * * The office buzzed and clucked like a henhouse. As the phone rang, its plastic shell throbbed warm light from within, a Smith undergrad reading D.H. Lawrence. "Yes?" "Melvin! Remember those days back at the old school?" his boss, Mr. Anvil bellowed over the line. "Most of them." "Remember how you'd do my homework while I went to the shore with a carload of girls? Man, those were the days. I wasn't tied down to a desk then. No-ho!" "Yes, sir." "Well, it seems something's come up. I hear the weather's getting really nice at Pebble Beach, and you know, my golf arm's been getting slack... too much signing those takeover papers, you know? Anyhoo, Sneddle, I've got to file a longish report for the boys at Belligerent Oil in Houston, and, well, I figured I'd just go straight there rather than waste time coming back here, so if you could..." "I'll get right on it, sir." "Melvin, I knew I could count on you. It's just like the old days..." "Yes sir, it is." * * * * * As a kid, Melvin used to build a wall of cereal boxes around himself at breakfast, ensuring that no one had a clear shot across the linoleum at him. He never lost the habit, and at work, piles of reports, requisition orders and receipts surrounded him in the same way, blocking his view of anything else, protecting him. He was not disoriented as the office whirled about him, searing hot coffee spilled on his shoulder, arguments raged right over his head, and people borrowed his commemorative pen. He kept his head down to his work. He was unperturbed as the secretary put a call through from "some guy calling himself the Almighty. Is that a shipping company?" "Hello?" "Melvin Sneddle, my name is God. You might know me by my stage name, The Almighty Swing." "I think I might have read something somewhere...." "Yes, well, you can't believe everything you read. In any case, Melvin, I've got a job for you. You see, I've been running this whole shebang since, literally, the Dawn of Time. And, well, I've got this gig in Vegas, this new place called the Temple. Well, what I'm trying to say is... these days, to make an impression, you've got to have a show. You can't just call up disasters anymore to get attention, I mean, with CNN, people know everything, it's... you know, demystified. But Vegas, man, think of the irony... there in the Capital of Sin, if I come in on forty-foot stilts on a couple of Holy Roller skates and give them the Word, clad in a silver gown, and there's a nine-piece tuxedo band... they'll see the Light. I mean, I know if I make another icon cry it'll just end up on Hard Copy. "What I'm getting at, Melvin, is that subtlety doesn't fly anymore. People want splash. So I'm splitting PR and management. I've been watching you for a long time, Melvin. You're just the type of guy G-man needs right now. You play fair. You're calm, cool, collected. While I'm on tour, I'm putting you in charge. Remember, stability is key. Don't shake things up. Hey, I said the meek shall inherit the earth, right? Have fun with it." Click. * * * * * Melvin would have to work right through lunch to handle this, he decided. He found a glittering gold telephone in his desk drawer. It rang immediately. "Hello?" "Melvin?" "Yes." "You're the new Omnipotent Being, huh? Well, I'm Archangel One, and things are really heating up here in the Middle East. Someone's got a bomb, and he's threatening to blow up all the sand and the people squatting on it if the Southern Terrace isn't handed over to his organization." "Well, uh... I suppose he could just quietly have a seizure, collapse and be apprehended by the proper authorities." "Yeah, we can do that. I'll get the receipts to you by Monday morning." "Thanks." He quietly replaced the phone. That wasn't so hard, he thought. Before lunch, he diverted a flood, guided a firefighter through a smoke-filled burning building to save a child, steadied a flagging jetliner, and sent thunderheads over the drought-stricken central plains. After lunch, the memos from the angelic branch offices really started to clog the fax machine. Occasionally, his coworkers regarded him with some irritation. The gold phone and the plastic phone rang at the same time. He answered the gold phone first. "Melvin Sneddle. Please hold." He picked up the plastic receiver. "Melvin Sneddle." "Mel! How're things?" It was Mr. Anvil. "Oh, not so bad." "Well, the weather here is great. I can see Carmel from here. Ran a few into the ocean. Anyhoo, am I going to see that report when I get to my hotel?" "Yes sir." Melvin looked with some discomfort upon the foot-high stack of paper still to be condensed into a report. It was almost 5 on Friday, and he didn't have the keys to the office to come in over the weekend. "I hear you're getting a lot of fax volume there." "Yes sir, well, I'm sort of ruling the Universe, and it takes a pretty big staff and a lot of time." "I don't care what else you're doing. Remember, the Belligerent report is Job One. Let's not forget who's boss here, OK, Mel?" Melvin hesitated for a moment, thought for a split second how quickly a lightning storm could come to the golf course at Pebble Beach. But that would not be fair. He hung up. He'd have to do his best condensing the report at home. When he got there, his answering machine had 99 messages on it, all prayers. It took about two days to answer those. A girl got a pony. A teenager got laid. Charges were mysteriously dropped against a televangelist and a senator. He fell asleep from exhaustion Sunday night, to awake to the insistent ringing of the phone. "Melvin, where's my report? And why aren't you in your office?" "Oh, sorry sir, I've been really busy." "Well, now you'll have plenty of free time. You're fired." "Yes, sir." He realized it was time to make his weekly call to his mother. "Hi mom. How's Florida?" "Pink. Hot. You know. How's the job?" "Well, I have new one. I'm ruling the Universe. I'm substituting for God while he's doing a show in Vegas." "Well, that sounds nice. How does it pay?" "It doesn't, I mean, not in dollars, anyway. But you do things for people. I've answered a lot of prayers." "Oh, Mel, you're just like your father was. You give, give, give, never think of yourself. Hey, you know, my car's been having some trouble lately. Could you set it right? Oh, and do you think you could bring the flamingoes back to my pond? I overdid it with the chlorine and they won't touch it now." "Sure, mom, anything." "How're those nice little animals you make?" "Oh, I haven't had much time. The prayers keep coming." "Why don't you just disconnect the phone for awhile? Put your feet up for awhile. That's what He probably does. At least when your father.... You've been working hard, give yourself a break." "Mom, that wouldn't be fair. The world needs me." He hung up, a little exasperated. He already missed the routine of Overstreet. Just then, the latch on the door was sawed in two. A masked man in a leotard and flak jacket burst in. He pointed a lengthy muzzle at Melvin. "You didn't answer the phone at work, so I had to hunt you down. Thanks to you, I lost my job. What happened to omnipresent?" He paused for a moment, looking at Melvin at his kitchen table. "My answering machine only goes to 99. And I had another job." "Some God you are." He pulled the trigger. Melvin could have stopped the bullet, he knew, but he wasn't terribly excited by his new job, and not much had changed in the world. Besides, to abuse his power like that would not be fair. * * * * * The Almighty Swing sold out every night at the Temple. The people got the Word, and then they went to dinner. Kingdoms rose, and kingdoms fell. And Melvin made the news. --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- "Those of us who have seen the hands of the Master Magician move a bit too slowly do have a rough time from time to time." --Joan, in David Mamet's _Sexual Perversity in Chicago_ --SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-- THE LONG SLEEP by I Wish My Name Were Nathan I think I'm going crazy. I think I'm going crazy. I think I'm going crazy. No one will listen to me though. They don't understand me. They won't listen. I explain why I think I'm going crazy, but since I'm already halfway there the explanation sounds sane. They point to my life and say